Being a Stay at Home Mom

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone


I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) formerly a legal secretary.  I love paperwork.  I love tasks that have definite start and finishes.  I love routine.

If you are also a SAHM you know that there are no definite starting places and finishes and being able to depend on a routine is a thing of the past.  There is no coming home after a long day at work, cracking a beer and putting your feet up.  It's a 24/7 job.  A job that requires having conversations in a toddler language, figuring out ways to entertain, captivate and teach a young developing brain.  A job that can be isolating and lonely.  A job centered around nap times, snack times, fussy times, active times, a toddler not getting overly tired but not being under stimulated either.  Learning how to fit in house cleaning, laundry and cooking in the midst of being the best mom I can possibly be.

When the Mayor was born I knew I was going to have to figure out something to get some outside interaction.  My two best friends, whom I spend the most time with, don't have kids and I didn't know anyone else with small children.  Even if I did, being the introvert/homebody I am, I'm not one to call someone up and be like "hey - let's do such and such"  so I knew I was going to have to join a mom's group to not go crazy.  I would need the rigidity of a calendar of play dates to choose from so I would make myself get out of the house.

I found a local mom's group and joined - only to crash and burn.  I totally didn't fit in with the group so after about a year I heard about another group and joined them instead.  Let's just say that evidently I am weird.  LOL  I'm not into mommy wars, drama or sitting around bitching about your husbands while your toddlers play in another room unsupervised.  Call me sheltering, smothering, whatever but I think kids should be monitored - not left to their own devices... I've stuck with this one only because there isn't another one available and I still don't know people outside the group that I can take the Mayor to visit with and have socialization with other kids her own age.  Because of this I still haven't found what I need - other adults that are in the same place in life and understand the frustrations and joys of my every day life.

Last night B and I were discussing my frustration with the mom's group and my discontent when it came to adult interaction.  We have friends that come over one night a week for adult time and I love having them over, but none of them are married or have children.  A couple of years ago B and I discussed joining a local atheist group and even went to one of their activities, but never followed up.  B knows people at work with small children but who really wants to hang out with their co-workers outside of work?  The Mayor is almost 4 - why haven't we gotten out there if we know that we both need to meet people who are in the same place we are?

That's when I realized that I was using my two best friends as a crutch.  Because they come over every week I wasn't forcing myself to find ways to meet other people.  With them I don't have to step out of my comfort zone or put myself out there and try.  Don't get me wrong - I love spending time with my friends - they are awesome - but I really need to push myself to meet other married couples with young children.

So the realization is there...now what do we do about it?  This is one instance that going to church would come in handy!  LOL  Tons of people in every walk of life and lots of kids... But there is no way I'm going to go to church just to meet people.  That would totally make me a hypocrite and that's one of my biggest complaint about so many church goers.

So where do we go from here?  How do B and I push ourselves to get out there (by the way B is even more of an anti-social introvert than I am)?  Talking about it and realizing the need for it are the first steps.. the next one is to get out there... Can we do it?  I'm not sure.  How will we do it?  Probably by biting the bullet and joining the atheist group.  Will we do it?  well, that's the big question isn't it?

Wish us luck!

Swimming Free

I yearned to get better; I told myself I was getting better. In fact, the depression was still there, like a powerful undertow. Sometimes it grabbed me, yanked me under; other times, I swam free. –Tracy Thompson, The Beast: A Reckoning with Depression


I survived another bout with the undertow!  Why was I not able to swim free a week ago or even two days ago I have no idea and it doesn't matter ... I'm free now.  


The blue skies, the bright sun and everything look more beautiful today.  My spirits are lifted and I feel like I have energy again.  I won the fight again.

Look well, therefore, to this day

"Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day. - Sanskrit Proverb"


Hello, my name is Ofelia and it's been more than a month since I last posted.  It's been a rough month.  My grandmother passed away, my depression has been horrific and man, do I miss cigarettes.  


Positive Report:
Last time I posted I mentioned that we were about to attempt a new bedtime routine for the Mayor.  I am happy to report that it has been a successful endeavor and more nights then not she will go to bed by herself again.  
Now to figure out how to keep her asleep all night and in her own bed - but one thing at a time, right?  


Becoming a Non-Smoker Update:
I'm a terrible quitter.  LOL  I did pretty well the first few weeks of January and then have bought a couple packs since then.  It's slow going but I'm determined!  Now if I could just get my friends to quit too. LOL  (so far I've knitted 3 scarves and am currently working on my 4th)


Depression:
SUCKS!  My sweet hubby pointed out a silly cycle I have put myself into which has really made me think...  After the conversation last night I feel a lot better this morning.  My new mantra - no judging myself.  Depression is/can be debilitating.  Most people's response to that is "just do it" - well, the ones that have no understanding when it comes to depression anyway.  At least in my case when I get way low - I can't "just do it".  And when I can't force myself to then I get mad at myself for not being able to "just do it" which makes everything worse and even more overwhelming.  Instead of spending my mental energy on why I have fallen into the hole this time - I'm using it beating myself up.  Terrible cycle.  


Exercise Update:
I'm getting there.  :)  Biggest Loser + Knitting + exercise bike = 1.5 hours/approx. 900 calories