Social Media Taught Me Something

This blog is dedicated to writing about my growth or at least my attempts at it.  I haven't had anything to write about in that respect lately but today that all changed.  Facebook has been my social life line for a while now.  I started playing games on it, socializing, keeping up with friends, sharing pictures with family in town and out and just generally keeping in touch with my world from home.  I've felt much angst towards it for a little while now - starting really with the chick-fil-a issue.  When all that was going on I kept my mouth shut on social media.  The most I did was make my cover photo say "Straight but not narrow".  However, this election was the straw that broke this camel's back for social media.  I realized today that my facebook is essentially my "other life".  I don't speak out about issues, I stay quiet so as not to offend anyone - mainly people I know from the mom's group, B's family and really my own.  In this I realize I have stayed in my comfort zone in allowing people that I know think I'm like them.  It's a complete cop out.  I don't speak up for fear of the after effect.  Because of this 95% of my news feed the last couple of days has been Romney, Romney, and more Romney.  Now it's full of people crying, "throwing up" and going on about how they "don't understand how this could happen in our country", "what has this world come to".  But it goes further than just being upset their pick didn't win - it goes way into the area of pure hate.  Hate for people that are different than them whether it be poorer, democrats, of different sexual orientation, color, etc.  Complete intolerance.
Why do I not allow myself to be who I *truly* am?  Because I'm terrified of the fall out.  I'm terrified of being labeled as different.  I'm a blue in a completely red state.  Up until today I've justified it with just that - I'm a blue in a red state.  I'm a nonreligious person in the bible belt.  I don't want it to be held against my daughter.  I don't want to upset my husband's family.   But is it really worth it to keep my mouth shut?  In a way it is - social media isn't the place to argue the hard points with people who aren't willing to listen.  Typed words are easily misinterpreted as there is no inflection in tone used.  But the realization that these people know that I'm "friends" with them on facebook and they can just assume that I'm on their side because I don't say anything different makes me nauseous.   What do I do - do I say what I really think and deal with the fall out, do I just delete them or do I just stay off facebook since nothing I say would really make a difference in what they think?
I'm not saying they were wrong in their choice for who they voted for - I'm a strong proponent for "to each their own" but I have absolutely no tolerance for hate - whether it be obvious or shrouded with words.  That's my issue with these people - so yes, my friends list will be much shorter after tomorrow and yes, I am going to reevaluate the "safe" zone of social media.  I'm challenging myself to being "me" everywhere - not just where it's safe.

Elections, Babysitting and Crafts

My sister and I both had our daughters during election years... how cool is that?  This will be the Mayor's second presidential election to visit the polls for.  We had to stand in line for about an hour and half this morning but she was fine because at the end she got a sticker.  :)

After the Mayor's ballet class we went out to my sister's and I got to babysit my infant niece for the first time.  The Mayor and I had a blast.

Once dinner is complete I will be heading over to help Ari with some of her awesome goods for the craft show this weekend.

Yes - today should warrant a good poignant post if only about the election but honestly I'm way too tired.

Oops

Blogging Fail.  Not even a week in and I missed a day.  Oops!  I spent all day yesterday trying to get everything together for the show this Saturday.  Running around town for last minute supplies, mounting, matting and pricing my ink transfers, making what felt like a gazillion thanksgiving hairbow before finally falling into bed from pure exhaustion.  The first thought that went through my mind as my head hit the pillow was "Crap! I didn't blog!"

In all likelihood I'm going to miss a couple more days this week in the frenzy of stuff to take care of before a big show... balancing that with real life can be rather tricky (and not to mention that my latest obsessions are Lost and Sims3 - neither of which are possible to multi-task during).

Wish me luck!

College Football

I absolutely LOVE watching college football.  My main team is Alabama tied with Texas (because I will always be a Texas girl at heart) but I am perfectly content to watch any and all games that I can on saturdays during the season.  Tonight was a fabulous game between Alabama and LSU.   Alabama made the winning touchdown with 50 seconds left on the clock - defense came out and shut LSU down.  It was beautiful!  Good night and Happy Day Light Savings time!

A Piece of Myself

I've always dabbled in arts and crafts.  After the Mayor was born I dived in head first as a way to "escape" for a little while each day and have something that I had control of the start and finish of.  When she was a couple months old I started playing around with old windows - my first two were done by making designs with colored rocks.  They are hanging in my dining room and are a constant reminder that no matter how out of control life feels I can still find/create beauty.  Next I messed around with sketching, watercolor and card making.  Then I started making hairbows.   (It's so much fun to be able to make bows to match all those super cute outfits for my little one.)  After that I taught myself how to knit and worked on my sewing skills.  From there I went on to photography and tie dye work.  Pretty much all over the board.  My latest project is learning ink transfer.

This year I started putting my work out there for the public to see by participating in Art Strolls this summer and several craft shows last month.  This month I'm doing my largest show yet where I'll have holiday themed hairbows of my own design, hairties (folded over elastic ties that are fabulous - stylish, great for your hair and comfortable to boot!) and for the first time - my photography in the form of ink transfer to canvas.  I'm extremely anxious (no one likes to be judged and found lacking!) but excited and proud of myself for taking this next step in my journey of growth.  I know doing craft shows probably seems trivial but for me it's more than selling things - it's putting a piece of myself out there to be looked at, touched, judged and possibly sold.  Self-esteem is a constant struggle for me and I can't stand stepping out of my comfort zone and opening myself up.

A Post a Day - Day 2

I really don't have anything to write about today so I'll just leave you with one of my favorite songs.  :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4ISFwQ5MIo

November - A Post a Day

November is the month for writers.  Lots of encouragement to get crackin' on that work of art that has been living in the back of your mind for eons.  Me - I'm not a writer ... BUT I am going to try and hold myself to a post a day for the month.  I would love to get into the habit of blogging every day even if some days it is just a cool song I found.

I signed up for another 5k today - this one will be at the end of this month.  B and I are going to do it together and the Mayor will ride in the backpack.   I am also participating in a craft show next weekend where I will have hairbows but will also be debuting my photography in the form of ink transfer on canvas.  I'm anxious but excited at the same time.

Okay it's time to bring up the bday girl for the party I'm currently working so I'm off.  Day 1 of A Post a Day can be marked complete!

Age 29 - No more excuses

I turned 29 in June.  I decided that my motto for this year was going to be "no excuses".  I am an overweight, undermotivated, undisciplined individual.  Three traits I really detest...this year I stop with the excuses.  I'm not being all debbie downer on myself.  I know that not all of this is my fault ... in fact this is the first year that I am living without some of the things I couldn't control.  For the first year since I was 17 medically I am "cured" - it's also the first time in 4 years that I am not on anti-depressants.   However,  part of my current traits are my fault - I'm not naturally inclined to work out, I'm not self motivated and I'm terrible about starting things and then stopping them.  But like I said - No excuses! Not anymore.  Time to do something about the things I can control.

So I started running - training with a friend of mine doing the Couch 2 5K.  The program is supposed to have you running a 5k in 8 weeks.  3 weeks in I am quickly learning that the program isn't really meant to have overweight people running a 5k in 8 weeks...either that or my body just doesn't handle running.  So with "no excuses" in mind - I'm changing it to work for me - rather than training 3 days a week - I'm doing it 2 days on, 1 day off all week long.  I don't accomplish the whole run each time, but I'm working toward it.  I registered for my first 5k - it's in December.  As much as it would be awesome to be a c25k success story - I really don't think my body can handle it.  And that's okay.  I may not run this one, but come January I will be signed up for another one and I will hopefully run that one and I will keep signing up for them for as long as it takes until I can say I did it.  Between now and then I will continue to kick ass - even if it's only at my speed.  It may take me 16 weeks or even 32 but I WILL run a 5k and I will keep going.  No excuses.

Love yourself

One of the side effects I am finding with being "self aware" is that I end up feeling like a horrible person.  It's hard to realize the negative and not dwell on it...or expect to be able to change it immediately or to expect changing it to erase the past.  So yes, I've made mistakes, yes, I have personality traits that are undesirable but all in all I have to remember that I'm still "me" ... underneath all the negative is still a person who strives to be better and change what needs to be changed and that is a reason to love myself.


Side Note: When I was looking for the name for this blog I had this idea that I wanted to start writing a blog that was my path in overcoming the past (aka the way I was raised) but instead it has turned into my writing about my daily struggle with self-growth and awareness. The irony is that I think that makes the name of my blog even more fitting. Each day I'm a little further down the road of life and each post is essentially talking about yesterday's stretch of that road.  So now when I see the name I am reminded that yes - I still have lots of work to do but since I'm doing it - I'm further from yesterday's stretch and on to a new one today.  Cool, huh?  (serious thanks to my bestie who helped me come up with the name - who knew it would help with remaining positive about my journey.)

"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Gandh

Life Lesson Number ..?..

Guess who has been all up in her head again?  This girl ... so I guess it's time I post.

Good grief a bunch has happened since my last post...

The biggest being that after being on it for almost 4 years  I went off my antidepressant.  The first week was terrible - the physical side effects of the withdrawls were almost unbearable.  The mental part was a breeze tho - I felt no different...  And I still don't (it's been almost 3 weeks now)...in fact mentally I feel the same as I did when I was on them.

Another thing is I swore off alcohol again - and backslid again - and did stupid stuff again.  The good thing that came out of it this time is that I have come to realize that I'm that person when it comes to drinking ... I'm the weepy, dramatic, chatty cathy, no holds barred drunk that no one wants to be around.  It's time to be honest with myself.  I have a problem and it's time to quit going back and forth about it and just admit it.  Part of my problem is how my body reacts to alcohol ... there is no build up intoxication.  I don't have a glass and start feeling a buzz... in fact generally I don't feel a buzz until I stop drinking... so I drink and I drink and I drink and than blammo I turn into that person again despite my best intentions.  So here goes - I'm going to say it out loud to the world - NO MORE ALCOHOL FOR ME (with the possible exception if I were at a bar (I'm too cheap to drink enough at a bar to get a buzz much less drunk) but that so rarely happens it's probably not worth mentioning) and hope that I can really change this time.  I may not have self control after that first drink but I do have the self control to not buy it and bring it home in the first place.

Something else I have been pondering is what seems to be my "invisible person" syndrome.   I have this perception of myself and I'm beginning to realize that it fuels my tendency towards passive aggressive behavior.  I feel like I'm invisible and that things that I do and say don't really have any impact on anyone.  I'm trying to figure out why ... haven't managed yet.  I think part of it has to do with not getting called out on bullshit or commended on the good stuff. I'm the type of personality that needs others to recognize things and say them. (UGH - I hate admitting that out loud because I feel like it makes me sound like a spoiled kid.)  I think that falls under the "quality time" love language... The spoken word means more to me than anything...  Conversation is huge to me.  Being able to talk things through is huge and when negative things happen and I'm not allowed to say my piece it's very hard for me to move on.  From that came ponderings on apologies...  a thought that came to me was how hard apologies given by action are ... does the other person notice? did they accept? and then if you screw up again you end up right back at square one.  So my homework for myself is to 1. forgive myself, 2. realize that i'm needy and find a work around, and 3.  keep trying.

So here's to yet another fresh start and here's to sticking with it... no more excuses. I've diagnosed the problem and now it's time to take the measures needed to correct it.

Perception

per·cep·tion

noun

1.

the act or faculty of apprehending by means of the sensesor of the mind; cognition; understanding.

2.

immediate or intuitive recognition or appreciation, as ofmoral, psychological, or aesthetic qualities; insight; intuition;discernment: an artist of rare perception.

3.

the result or product of perceiving,  as distinguished from the act of perceiving; percept.

4.

Psychology. a single unified awareness derived from sensory processes while a stimulus is present.

Have you ever wondered about how true your perception of yourself is?  How about your perception of others?  How close is it to being correct?  The other day I was watching a video on meditation and the instructor/lecturer said "you can never truly know another person, including a spouse, because your perception of them is colored with your own projections"

**rug pulled out from under feet, bruise butt, bang head, see stars...**

Holy shit!  Well, if that's true then what does that mean about my perception of myself???  Is it colored by a projection of what I think I'm like?  How about what other people see when they look at me?

Of course this sent me into a spiral of serious self evaluation and due to this and some other things I realized two things about myself that seriously need some work.

a) contrary to my own belief - I can be a passive aggressive person.  When I realized this and started looking for I realized that there are times that I intentionally word things a certain way or say certain things aloud to try and get a certain result.  The worst part was that it happened completely unintentionally - so if it happens without thought then the habit had to have been formed at some point...

b) I stay in my head way too much.  Meaning I "stew" or "dwell" over things and justify it by telling myself I'm just thinking it over to decide whether it's worth talking about or not.  The problem (or so it seems the more I think about it) is that I don't just think about it - if it involves another person I'll have a whole conversation with that person and insert how I think they will respond... Obvious problem being that in turn (at times) this makes it seem like I already had the conversation when in fact I never gave the other person a chance to speak for themselves... or in the worse case scenario the conversation happens and doesn't go the way I thought it would and unnecessary emotions come up...

At this point you are probably thinking - Geez Louise - This chick is CRAZY!  LOL (can't say I blame you)

So my new goals are a) to be especially aware of the possibility of passive agressive behavior and b) to stay out of my head.

I'm thinking that if I can work on these two things that my perception of events and people may very well change.  Or there is, of course, the chance that I'm just completely off my rocker.  LOL  Mostly - I just want to be a better person - I want my friends to be able to count on me and to be trustworthy.  I don't want to be that girl - full of drama.  I want to be the best that I can be...

So yeah - I may be crazy, but hey - at least I'm willing to admit it and keep searching and working at what I find.  :)

Am I Going Crazy?

My mother and I do not have a good relationship.  Lots of history there... some of which is that I never got the chance to be a daughter - I was a venting post, a mother to her children, a cook, a house cleaner, a chauffeur, etc.  I never got to have a mother that I could confide in or a shoulder to cry on.  I was told to suck it up because I was wrong if I disagreed with something.

The last seven years since her divorce have been spent trying to reign her in - pick her up off the floor when she passed out drunk and was choking on her vomit.  Trying to give my younger siblings the best chance possible (which resulted in my sister (the one 4 years younger than me) and I removing my baby brother from my mother's house and he going to live with my sister and her husband). And now my sister (the one that is 12 years younger than me) possibly coming to live with B and I.

The last two weeks I have spent a lot of time at my mom's house helping one of my sisters repaint her room, etc. and in being over there I have actually had pleasant visits with my mother.  So I'm thinking - okay - am I going crazy or has my mother actually started to be sane?  Is it even possible?  My first thought is - Hell - no it's not.  For some reason though all of the sudden we have been able to have conversations and I can leave her house without feeling oppressed, upset or stressed to the max.

What in the world am I supposed to think?  Could this be for real or am I just setting myself up for hurt again?

North Alabama Freethinkers Association

We did it!  We went to one of the NAFA social events this morning.  It was ... ummmm ... interesting to say the least.

Being a Stay at Home Mom

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone


I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) formerly a legal secretary.  I love paperwork.  I love tasks that have definite start and finishes.  I love routine.

If you are also a SAHM you know that there are no definite starting places and finishes and being able to depend on a routine is a thing of the past.  There is no coming home after a long day at work, cracking a beer and putting your feet up.  It's a 24/7 job.  A job that requires having conversations in a toddler language, figuring out ways to entertain, captivate and teach a young developing brain.  A job that can be isolating and lonely.  A job centered around nap times, snack times, fussy times, active times, a toddler not getting overly tired but not being under stimulated either.  Learning how to fit in house cleaning, laundry and cooking in the midst of being the best mom I can possibly be.

When the Mayor was born I knew I was going to have to figure out something to get some outside interaction.  My two best friends, whom I spend the most time with, don't have kids and I didn't know anyone else with small children.  Even if I did, being the introvert/homebody I am, I'm not one to call someone up and be like "hey - let's do such and such"  so I knew I was going to have to join a mom's group to not go crazy.  I would need the rigidity of a calendar of play dates to choose from so I would make myself get out of the house.

I found a local mom's group and joined - only to crash and burn.  I totally didn't fit in with the group so after about a year I heard about another group and joined them instead.  Let's just say that evidently I am weird.  LOL  I'm not into mommy wars, drama or sitting around bitching about your husbands while your toddlers play in another room unsupervised.  Call me sheltering, smothering, whatever but I think kids should be monitored - not left to their own devices... I've stuck with this one only because there isn't another one available and I still don't know people outside the group that I can take the Mayor to visit with and have socialization with other kids her own age.  Because of this I still haven't found what I need - other adults that are in the same place in life and understand the frustrations and joys of my every day life.

Last night B and I were discussing my frustration with the mom's group and my discontent when it came to adult interaction.  We have friends that come over one night a week for adult time and I love having them over, but none of them are married or have children.  A couple of years ago B and I discussed joining a local atheist group and even went to one of their activities, but never followed up.  B knows people at work with small children but who really wants to hang out with their co-workers outside of work?  The Mayor is almost 4 - why haven't we gotten out there if we know that we both need to meet people who are in the same place we are?

That's when I realized that I was using my two best friends as a crutch.  Because they come over every week I wasn't forcing myself to find ways to meet other people.  With them I don't have to step out of my comfort zone or put myself out there and try.  Don't get me wrong - I love spending time with my friends - they are awesome - but I really need to push myself to meet other married couples with young children.

So the realization is there...now what do we do about it?  This is one instance that going to church would come in handy!  LOL  Tons of people in every walk of life and lots of kids... But there is no way I'm going to go to church just to meet people.  That would totally make me a hypocrite and that's one of my biggest complaint about so many church goers.

So where do we go from here?  How do B and I push ourselves to get out there (by the way B is even more of an anti-social introvert than I am)?  Talking about it and realizing the need for it are the first steps.. the next one is to get out there... Can we do it?  I'm not sure.  How will we do it?  Probably by biting the bullet and joining the atheist group.  Will we do it?  well, that's the big question isn't it?

Wish us luck!

Swimming Free

I yearned to get better; I told myself I was getting better. In fact, the depression was still there, like a powerful undertow. Sometimes it grabbed me, yanked me under; other times, I swam free. –Tracy Thompson, The Beast: A Reckoning with Depression


I survived another bout with the undertow!  Why was I not able to swim free a week ago or even two days ago I have no idea and it doesn't matter ... I'm free now.  


The blue skies, the bright sun and everything look more beautiful today.  My spirits are lifted and I feel like I have energy again.  I won the fight again.

Look well, therefore, to this day

"Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day. - Sanskrit Proverb"


Hello, my name is Ofelia and it's been more than a month since I last posted.  It's been a rough month.  My grandmother passed away, my depression has been horrific and man, do I miss cigarettes.  


Positive Report:
Last time I posted I mentioned that we were about to attempt a new bedtime routine for the Mayor.  I am happy to report that it has been a successful endeavor and more nights then not she will go to bed by herself again.  
Now to figure out how to keep her asleep all night and in her own bed - but one thing at a time, right?  


Becoming a Non-Smoker Update:
I'm a terrible quitter.  LOL  I did pretty well the first few weeks of January and then have bought a couple packs since then.  It's slow going but I'm determined!  Now if I could just get my friends to quit too. LOL  (so far I've knitted 3 scarves and am currently working on my 4th)


Depression:
SUCKS!  My sweet hubby pointed out a silly cycle I have put myself into which has really made me think...  After the conversation last night I feel a lot better this morning.  My new mantra - no judging myself.  Depression is/can be debilitating.  Most people's response to that is "just do it" - well, the ones that have no understanding when it comes to depression anyway.  At least in my case when I get way low - I can't "just do it".  And when I can't force myself to then I get mad at myself for not being able to "just do it" which makes everything worse and even more overwhelming.  Instead of spending my mental energy on why I have fallen into the hole this time - I'm using it beating myself up.  Terrible cycle.  


Exercise Update:
I'm getting there.  :)  Biggest Loser + Knitting + exercise bike = 1.5 hours/approx. 900 calories

Strength

'nough said.

"Mommy, I love you more than ice cream"

Today was a rough one.  In every way.  Part of growing is dealing with lots of changes.  I know this.  I just wish all the changes didn't seem to have to happen at the same time.  My resolutions for this year are pretty strenuous for myself - less drinking, no smoking, exercising daily, dieting/healthier eating.   All normal things I know, but put making a concerted effort to accomplish them daily on top of normal self awareness and growth and it has quickly become a bit daunting.  I know I can do this and I know I have to give myself time to accomplish them - it's not going to happen overnight nor is it going to be/get easy overnight.

(This is where I note that even after all I just said I have added yet another thing to my list today.)
My sweet, lovable daughter (aka the Mayor) is 3.5 and still isn't a good sleeper.  So being the person I am - I looked for books - someone to PLEASE give me ideas!  Much to my excitement I found that my favorite author from when I was trying to get the Mayor to sleep as an infant has written a continuation for toddler/preschoolers.  I, of course, ordered it immediately (gotta love amazon prime) and had the pleasure of receiving it today.  I read it all - only to find, yet again - there is no simple solution, and there is much work to be done.  My first solution to any problem is to find out what I can change naturally.  In this case, it appears that my daily routine seriously needs to be adjusted in order to help set the Mayor's sleep clock to rights.  Have I mentioned how daunting this all feels???  However, considering Elizabeth Pantley's advice worked the first time (long story as to what changed things) I am more than willing to put in all the work to try her pathways for success in the toddler world of sleep.

And yet, once again, even in the midst of all my flailing around trying not to stress myself out, nature has a way of reminding me of the bigger picture and why I am consciously choosing to do the hard things to better myself.  That brings me to the title of this blog post.  Today the Mayor came to me and said, "I have to tell you something.  Mommy, I love you more than ice cream".  Such a simple statement and yet it somehow sets the world right.  So from now on (on top of everything else LOL) I am going to do my best to remind myself that when the going gets tough - I will get tougher - because my little mayor loves me more than ice cream.

New Year - New Blog

One of my new years resolutions? Stop smoking!  An addiction to replace it (and that keeps both my mind and hands busy) blogging!  So here I am trying it again.  I love writing and expressing myself - I'm not terribly good at it, but I still find joy in it.