Guess who has been all up in her head again? This girl ... so I guess it's time I post.
Good grief a bunch has happened since my last post...
The biggest being that after being on it for almost 4 years I went off my antidepressant. The first week was terrible - the physical side effects of the withdrawls were almost unbearable. The mental part was a breeze tho - I felt no different... And I still don't (it's been almost 3 weeks now)...in fact mentally I feel the same as I did when I was on them.
Another thing is I swore off alcohol again - and backslid again - and did stupid stuff again. The good thing that came out of it this time is that I have come to realize that I'm that person when it comes to drinking ... I'm the weepy, dramatic, chatty cathy, no holds barred drunk that no one wants to be around. It's time to be honest with myself. I have a problem and it's time to quit going back and forth about it and just admit it. Part of my problem is how my body reacts to alcohol ... there is no build up intoxication. I don't have a glass and start feeling a buzz... in fact generally I don't feel a buzz until I stop drinking... so I drink and I drink and I drink and than blammo I turn into that person again despite my best intentions. So here goes - I'm going to say it out loud to the world - NO MORE ALCOHOL FOR ME (with the possible exception if I were at a bar (I'm too cheap to drink enough at a bar to get a buzz much less drunk) but that so rarely happens it's probably not worth mentioning) and hope that I can really change this time. I may not have self control after that first drink but I do have the self control to not buy it and bring it home in the first place.
Something else I have been pondering is what seems to be my "invisible person" syndrome. I have this perception of myself and I'm beginning to realize that it fuels my tendency towards passive aggressive behavior. I feel like I'm invisible and that things that I do and say don't really have any impact on anyone. I'm trying to figure out why ... haven't managed yet. I think part of it has to do with not getting called out on bullshit or commended on the good stuff. I'm the type of personality that needs others to recognize things and say them. (UGH - I hate admitting that out loud because I feel like it makes me sound like a spoiled kid.) I think that falls under the "quality time" love language... The spoken word means more to me than anything... Conversation is huge to me. Being able to talk things through is huge and when negative things happen and I'm not allowed to say my piece it's very hard for me to move on. From that came ponderings on apologies... a thought that came to me was how hard apologies given by action are ... does the other person notice? did they accept? and then if you screw up again you end up right back at square one. So my homework for myself is to 1. forgive myself, 2. realize that i'm needy and find a work around, and 3. keep trying.
So here's to yet another fresh start and here's to sticking with it... no more excuses. I've diagnosed the problem and now it's time to take the measures needed to correct it.
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